Dream On, Dreamer
by eala-captian
Summary: With the help of his family Killian Jones tells a story he feels needs to be told. The story of his life and all the heartache that lies therein. Musician!Killian AU.


Act I: Songs Of Solitude

 _Jan 1, 2018. Jones Residence- Storybrooke, Maine_

 _Well, I've been running from this story for years, The ghost keeps chasing me,_

 _The grounds keep breaking me, I'm not really lost, I just haven't found it yet._

 _There is no place on earth where no misery exists.- Killian Jones_

Light spilled through the window, and Emma Jones had never felt more content in her whole life. 2018 was their year. After all they had been through the last few years, this actually felt as if they were starting again. Killian was scheduled to meet with the band today. She was starting her new job in a weeks time. It all felt right again. She rolled over to find her husband staring at the ceiling. Brooding. It's what he did. Sometimes when you have gone through so much in life you tend to blank out and focus on negatives. At least that's what his therapist told him. Not today though.

She rolled farther over, snuggling into his chest. He wrapped an arm around her without looking away from the ceiling. "Hey, are you ok?" she whispered. He slowly looked down at her, giving her a half smile then looking upwards again.

"No, but this...my story needs to be told. This is something I owe my fans. Something I think will bring closure for myself." He said while swiping his other hand over his face and into his hair. "No, I'm not ok, but I will be. Because I have you, and I have Liam."

"You know you don't have to do this Killian. Don't feel like you owe an explanation to anybody. The fans would understand if you didn't want to talk about it." He looked back down at her like she was the light of the world.

"I know that. I do, love." He reached his hand down to stroke her cheek "But the whole reason I started the band with Liam was to help people get through pains in life. This is a great way to show that not everyone is perfect."

"You are an amazing, beautiful, selfless man, and I love you. You know that?" She leaned up to brush a quick kiss to his lips before snuggling back down into his embrace again.

She felt him relax around her.

"Aye I know, I love you too." This was good. He was good. He was writing a new album starting today. She had seen his lyric sheets laying around the house for the last month and a half. The lyrics she had read on them had been positive. So far from the words he sang just before they met.

Just as she was starting to doze back off the alarm started to ring and signal the true beginning of the day. He groaned and sat up. His hair a complete mess. She took a moment to admire him. He glanced her way, smirk appearing when he noticed her eyes on him.

"Like what you see love." He smiled

"If you mean crazy beadhead, sleep eyes, drool on your cheek, and morning breath, then yes I love what I see." He leaned in kissed her softly on the cheek before pulling away.

"View isn't too bad from up here either." With that he walked towards the bathroom suite and dropped his boxers, almost tripping over them, on the way to the shower leaving him naked in the doorway. The bastard turned and winked at her tossing his underwear her way.

"That supossed to be a strip tease Mr. Jones? I thought strippers knew how to take their clothes off without almost busting their face on the doorframe?" She asked as his boxers landed just short of the bed.

"No, that was an invitation to save some water this morning Mrs. Jones." She hopped from the bed and chased him in to the bathroom laughing.

…

They were eating breakfast with Liam when the doorbell rang. Killian looked at her and then back down at his plate. He let out a sigh then picked it up and carried it to the sink, rubbing the top of their sons head on the way. A murmured "Finish your breakfast, son" tossed out over his shoulder.

She made her way to the door and opened it to welcome their guests for the next few months during the writing and recording process.

"Mrs. Jones, my name is Sydney Glass and I'm a writer and director for AP Magazine. Thank you for allowing us into your home to film." The man at the door had a whole film crew unloading a truck in their driveway. "Eric Prince from Rise Records is also here with his film crew to capture footage for the documentary that will appear on the album."

"Come on in Mr. Glass, we've got the front room all cleared out for your equipment." Emma replied stepping out of the doorway to usher them inside. As she turned around she saw her husband leaning against the wall in the back of the foyer. He made eye contact with her before nodding his head in an attempt to silently let her know he was ok.

As Eric walked in, Killian smiled and it was a real smile, one of the ones that lit up his whole face. Emma could pick those out by now. She watched as her husband walked up to Eric and shook his hand.

"Been a long time Jones. You look good." Eric said letting go of Killian's hand. "Hey! You idiots make sure you take your shoes off before you come in this house." He yelled as some of his crew carrying equipment tried to slip by unnoticed.

"You would have thought I would have had them trained by now." Killian laughed and Emma couldn't have been more relieved.

"It's alright mate. We have a three year old running around pretending to be a pirate every day. We're used to it." Emma stepped up to stand beside Killian putting an arm around his back.

"Eric this is my wife Emma, Emma this is the guy that made a bunch of young musicians look like award winning actors for the first few years of our careers. He shot every one of our music videos." She reached out and shook his hand as he laughed.

"To be honest with you I was just a film-student when we first met. I had no idea what I was doing."

"Worked out alright if you ask me mate." Killian said "Come on in, we can head to the studio. I assume that's where we are going to do this?"

The sound of feet and squeals sounded coming through the living room from the kitchen. Liam rounded the corner heading straight for Emma. "Mama! Mama! I cleaned my plate." The blur of a child yelled as he crashed head first into her legs. "Papa said finish my breakfast, and I did mama! I even ate the baby oranges, I don't even like those."

"Can't blame you lad." Killian replied "Gross." Emma swatted him across the chest. His reply was a wink to his son who giggled at his father. "Eric this is little Liam."

"I'm not little papa! I'm young!" Emma glanced at Killian who smiled, and then at Eric who was looking at Killian with a knowing gaze.

"Hey, Liam. I'm Eric. I'm an old friend of your papa's." Eric said as he bent down on one knee to be eye level with the youngest Jones.

Liam retreaded behind his mother's legs. "Hi." He said quietly sticking his head out from behind the wall of his mother's body.

"Alright Liam, time to get ready to go to Mary Margaret and David's house for a little while." She said leaning down and picking him up. " I'll be back soon. Just gonna drop him off and head straight back, Ok?" she said directed to her husband.

"Sounds good love. Liam have a good day, lad. I love you." He said kissing his son's forehead. "And I love you too." he mumbled as he laid a kiss to his wife's lips.

" _That's_ gross." Liam said with a disgusted face. Eric snorted from the other side of the room. He was now holding a huge case Killian assumed was a camera.

"I'll see you soon love." He replied as Emma turned to carry Liam down the hallway to his room to get dressed for the day.

"Well, Eric. Shall we?"

"We shall."

…

Killian was sitting on the couch in the corner of the studio when Emma returned. He was surrounded by a team of people making sure his hair was just so, and his face wasn't washed out by the lights they had set up all over the room. She also noticed he had changed from his casual clothes into the clothes she had seen him wearing, on so many tour videos. He had completely transformed from her Killian to Dream On, Dreamer Killian in a matter of thirty minutes. She liked it. The bad boy, rock and roll look on him was always a welcome sight. He had chosen a black s-HEART shirt that showed just enough chest hair, the necklaces with a skull and sword his brother had given him, black pants, and black converse. It had been years since he so much as looked at the closet he kept his tour clothes in. At the same time it was the same clothes he had been wearing when he was rushed into the hospital all those years ago.

"Hey, love. Is he all settled with David and M's?" He stood up and walked away from the hoard towards her. The woman fixing his hair gave him a death glare as he interrupted her work, to top it off he ran his hands through it to place it back the way he had worn it the past five years. "Bloody people all around me, they need to let me be. I don't need anyone fixing my damn hair for me. Where's Eric?" He stopped in front of her, laying his head on her shoulder, breathing hard.

"Hey calm down. It's all going to be alright. Eric is getting everything ready upstairs. Just breathe for me." That was another thing that had been a new characteristic for Killian within the past five years. Any bit of change, or large groups of people set him off. He was constantly on edge when he wasn't secluded from the world at home, but he had just invited the world into it. This was going to be hard. " The stylist is just doing her job, babe. And Liam is just fine. David was ready with the legos the second we walked in."

"Good. I'm just worried. I'm sorry." He lifted his head back up to look her in the eyes. He leaned in a placed a kiss to her lips. "I'll be fine." It was probably the one-hundredth time she had heard that today. He was trying to convince himself.

"Killian! We are about ready to start if you want to take your spot on the couch." Eric yelled from the other side of the studio.

"Showtime." Killian mumbled as he turned from her, forcing a smile onto his face. A fake one, she noted. He walked towards the couch and sat down with his elbows on his knees.

"Alright, what's going to happen is Sydney here is going to be asking you some questions and you can answer them as thoroughly as you want to, or not answer them at all. The ball is all in your court brother." Eric addressed him as he walked to the small screen in the soundbooth.

"Alright. You don't need me to do anything other than talk, right?"

"Nope, this is going to be raw. All you. No pressure." Eric smiled. "Alright guys, Roll camera."

"Rolling"

"Sound speed." Emma glanced at Killian as he took a deep breath and looked into the lens.

"Speed." He closed his eyes as the slate was placed in front of his face. It was dropped.

"Action." As soon as that word was said he opened his eyes and Emma knew. She knew he was determined to do this. He was going to tell this story. He was going to write this album. He wasn't okay. But he would be.

"I've been givin the great pleasure to sit down and talk with Killian Jones of Dream On, Dreamer in his studio as he writes this new album. It's been about five years since you went off the radar as an artist and a sort of public figure. Are you ready to talk to us about it?" Sydney started.

"Aye, mate. As we are starting the writing process of this new album I felt like it was important for me to address my absence, and what better outlet to do that than through music and a documentary for the CD." Killian answered while leaning back and making himself comfortable on the couch.

"Where did the idea for the band come about in the first place?" the reporter asked, looking down at his notes.

"I'm uh..I'm not quite sure where you want me to start. A lot in my life has influenced who I am today and what I've been through is quite a huge part of that." Killian stated. Emma noticed he was slowly spinning his wedding band on his finger. The same finger coming up to scratch that spot behind his ear that he always seem to gravitate towards when he was nervous.

"How about we start at the beginning…."

…

 _April 24, 1991. Jones Cottage- Kinsale, Ireland_

Killian hated oranges. Always had. For some reason his mother always seemed to put them on his plate right beside his toast. It made his toast soggy. The juice from the offending fruit making his bread taste bad as well. She always told him fruit was good for him. So was spinach, but you didn't see him standing at the fridge eating it out of the bag, now did you? She meant well thought. Even at five years old Killian knew she wanted what was best for him, and he loved his mother so very much.

That's why today felt weird. They said his mother had a doctors appointment. Why did they say it like it was the end of the world. She had other appointments recently as well. His brother seemed to know something he didn't. Why would he keep something from him?

"Killian. Are you going to eat your oranges?" Said brother asked him. He shoved his plate over the table to where Liam sat.

"You can have the toast too." He replied getting up from the table.

The walk to his and Liam's shared room took him through most of the little cottage that they lived in. It was a fairly nice size house for their town. His dad always said he should be thankful that his father had a job that could support them well, compared to the rest of the people in his little town. His father was always gone and came home at late hours.

His father was nice enough. He tucked him in on nights that he was actually home before Killians bedtime, and read stories of pirates and princesses to him and his brother. Sometimes though, sometime his father got mad when he spent too much time in town with his friends. He came home smelling funny and couldn't talk right. Killian had no idea what caused him to be this way. He knew his brother always went to the fridge and made marks on a clear bottle that Killian had been told not to touch. Every time he saw it the liquid was below the marks.

"Have you got all your bags packed?" He heard his father ask his mother when he walked outside their closed door. He stopped. If his mother was going to the doctor why did she need to pack things. Killian leaned closer to the door.

"Yes, I believe so." His mother replied while trying to stifle a cough. "I do hope I will be coming home soon though."

"We all hope so. Are you going to tell the lads?" His father questioned. "Killian is so young. I don't know if he will understand when you don't return this evening."

"He has you and his brother. Liam is a strong boy. He knows more than he leads on. I'm sure he has already figured out what's going on by now."

What was going on? Why did his mother need a bag if she was just going to a doctors appointment? Was she leaving them? He loved her too much for her to go. She couldn't. Tears started to well up in Killians eyes as he started to panic. It was too much. He burst through the door to his parents room to find his father hugging his mother. She was holding a bloody handkerchief.

"Mamaí, you can't leave us! What's going on? Why do you need bags? I'm scared Mamaí." Killian yelled as he all but jumped into his mother's arms. The tears were freely flowing now. Liam must have heard him yelling from the kitchen because when he turned in his mother's arms his brother was standing in the doorway.

He looked towards his father to see him staring at Liam like he would rather sink through the floor than have this conversation with his two young boys. Killian slowly sank back to his feet, and sat down on the side of the bed. Liam walked over and put his arm around his little brother.

"Mamaí, Da, what's going on?" Liam asked as he consoled his brother.

Their parents looked at each other silently having a conversation. They seemed to settle on a decision before Killian could comprehend what was happening.

"Boys, you mother is sick." His father said while kneeling down to be eye to eye with them. " She is going to spend some time at the hospital to try to get better. Do you understand?"

"Are you going to come back?" Killian asked. "I don't want you to go." He wiped his face on Liam's shoulder.

"Ma? It's bad isn't it?" Liam asked nodding at the handkerchief she still held.

"It's...It's not good, but that's not saying I can't get better." She said giving her boys a small smile.

"What's wrong Ma?" Liam questioned.

"Your ma, we found out a few months ago she has cancer." Killian felt Liam stiffen at the confession.

"What's cancer? What does that mean?" Killian yelled.

"Killian my inquisitive little boy." His mother said smiling at him. "Our bodies are made up of lots of different parts." She came and sat beside him on the bed. "When someone has cancer, it means that something has gone wrong with one of these parts and it's stopped doing what it's supposed to do."

"Like when I get sore throat?" Killian asked.

"A little bit." She replied grabbing his hand. She started coughing again using the other hand to conceal the blood that came with it.

Killian looked down to his hand in his mothers. The tears started to flow again.

"I'm going to be going to the doctor so they can try and fix what's wrong inside me." At this Liam angrly ripped himself out of their embrace and left the room.

"I'll go talk to him." His father said rising from the floor to head towards the door.

"Can..Can I get it?" He asked his mother after his father had left the room.

"Not from me, no." She squeezed his hand. "Just know that no matter what, I love you."

"I love you too Mamaí."

…

His mother had been in the hospital for three months, and despite his bothers constant presence he felt completely alone. His father had been at home with them, and was more on edge than ever. Always calling in a sitter so he could spend more and more time in town. Whether that was with his mother, or with his friends, Killian didn't know.

He had hardly seen his father in two weeks. The last time he did see him he was in the living room looking at a photo of their family. He turned and threw the photograph at the wall shattering the glass into a million pieces. Liam led him away from the room.

"Boys get dressed." His father said pulling him out of his thoughts. "We are going into town to see your ma."

Killian hated these days. He hated seeing his mother like this. He wanted her better and at home with him. He felt so worthless, and so so lonely. These days were also the longest he could ever remember. Spending time with his father made him feel like a burden.

When he entered the hospital room he could tell something was wrong. She had been getting her medicine through a machine, but now the room was empty except for her bed.

"Mamaí?" He said as they walked into the room.

"Hello boys." was her weak reply. "I'm glad you came to see me today. I've missed you."

Liam walked around her bed and sat silently at her bedside as he did every time. Killian ran over to her bed and hopped up in it with her. His father stood beside the door. He looked back to his mother who looked nothing like she had only two months ago. She was smaller Killian noticed. She looked weak.

"Boy's I'm gonna give you a few minutes alone with your ma, okay? I'll be back soon." Their father left without another word.

"Come up here Liam." She said to her eldest boy patting her bedside. Liam reluctantly climbed up onto the other side of the bed. "I know a lot of things in life are going to be hard. You are both strong boys and will be men before you know it. I want you to remember to always be honest with yourselves. Always support each other. I always wished I had a sister to grow up with, to help me when I was going through rough times in my life." Killian snuggled up into his mother shoulder with unshed tears in his eyes. "Stay with each other, help each other when you fall. Liam I've seen the way you look out for Killian, don't ever stop." Liam was crying now. He couldn't remember the last time he saw his brother cry. He was so strong, he didn't cry, but he was crying now. "Killian, I know you are so young, but I look at you and see a little boy who wants to chase his dreams."

"Dream on, little dreamer. Dream on."

…

 _Jan 1, 2018. Jones Residence- Storybrooke, Maine_

"That...Uh….That was the last thing she ever said to me." Killian looked away from the camera and found her eyes. "It seemed fitting we honour her wishes in naming the band Dream On, Dreamer."

She had heard this story before during the nights of Killians recovery. It still hurt her to know he had to endure that pain. A part of her was happy Killian got to have memories with his mother. She herself never got to experience that. At the same time she wished she could take the painful memories away from him.

She heard Killian suck in a breath holding back his tears. Like this, raw and exposed, he was so like the little lost, broken and lonely boy he spoke about. "I don't remember much about her. I was only 5 when she passed away. Just random good memories from time to time. Liam used to tell me stories of her."

He looked down at his hand. There sitting on the inside of his right index finger was a tattoo of his mother's name. Alice.

"Alright. Times up for today." Emma heard Eric say quietly from the other room.

She immediately crossed the room and sat next to her husband on the couch. He put his arm around her. "It feels good to finally explain the bands name. That felt good." he said as he wiped at his face. "I feel like I need to write now."

"Go ahead. The rest of the guys should be here soon. I'll send them down when they get here?" she asked slowly rubbing his back.

"Yeah. That's fine. Thank you love." She held him close as the crew filed out of the room and left him to work in peace, only Eric remained with a single camera to record the writing process. "And Emma, you are a fantastic mother. I love you."

"I love you too, Killian."

 _C.A.N.C.E.R, This is the burden we all carry together. And when we all fade away,_

 _And this world can't bare another day, there will be no fight in broken bliss._

 _Respected will we be at the end of this. C.A.N.C.E.R. -Killian Jones_


End file.
